Hot and Heavy or Hopeless?

I connected with a friend who I hadn’t seen for a few years. We did Reiki shares at a common friend’s home. This friend, Jim, is 13 years older, age 74. So we started doing things together. I feel as friends, but soon he was trying to kiss me. I didn’t feel a similar interest, but eventually relented, thinking maybe the relationship would be worth a try.

He is a sensitive, nice guy. The problem…. the first time things got hot and heavy he says; I feel like a teenager again. False assumption on my part, thinking it meant that his male parts were working properly. He wants to kiss, get touchy feely and have a hard on, but nothing more. I explained that it doesn’t feel right for me as I have a healthy active libido and want sex from a partner. He is not interested in seeing a doctor to figure things out. A nice guy, but missing the romance and the sex. It doesn’t feel like a true romance. I feel like I am dating a dirty old man. I have wanted to break things off with him for several weeks. Any advice on how I can do this in a thoughtful and kind way.


Hi G,

Thank you for your question.

Let’s start with a few “beginning a new relationship” basics first to save you time in your next relationship.

I teach my students that when you first meet a guy who is a potential dating prospect or romantic interest you want to get the answers to these four questions as quickly as possible:

1) Is this a good prospect by YOUR definition? At this point it doesn’t matter what he wants. What matters is what you want.

2) How long will it last?

3) Does he want a serious relationship or does he just want to use me?

And your answers to those three questions will give you the answer to the fourth question which is:

4) Do I want to see him again?

You will spend your entire relationship with him answering those questions. If you get a negative answer to any one of those questions at any time in your relationship with him then why would you continue to look at him as a dating prospect or a potential romantic relationship? It will only lead to your frustration. Not only is it a waste of time, the tragic thing is it’s time you could have put into finding or establishing a positive, healthy, constructive relationship with a guy you DO get along with.

While you are doing your research and collecting your data on him at the beginning of your relationship uppermost in your mind you should also be asking yourself this question: Am I dealing with a man or a boy pretending to be a man? If you automatically assume you are dealing with a man instead of a boy pretending to be a man then you will be sorely disappointed and extremely frustrated. It sounds like that’s what happened in this relationship.

If you seem to be getting along then at that point it boils down to another four questions:

1) CAN he give me what I want, need and desire in a positive, healthy, constructive romantic relationship?

Maybe he can, maybe he can’t.

2) WILL he give it to me?

Just because he can doesn’t mean he will. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.

3) HOW MUCH of it can he give me?

4) What do I have to go through to get it?

A basic Golden Rule I teach all my students is: Never compromise your self respect for any reason at any time. If you do then you’re just allowing yourself to get used and you’ll feel terrible. I’ve yet to see an exception to that Golden Rule.

When you are dealing with a new relationship you have to go by this Golden Rule: Assume nothing. You assumed he was looking for something more lasting. What people say, what they mean and what they do can well be three completely different things. That appears to be the case with Jim. That’s why you assume nothing.

If he’s looking for something romantic you have every right to ask him NICELY what he’s looking for. Too many women at this point grill the poor guy and he shuts up. They aggressively ask, “Where is this relationship going??” “Where do you see us in 5, 10, 20 years??” And so on.

Look at it this way. What would you do, how would you feel and how would you react if that same guy started grilling you: “When are we going to start having sex?” “How often will we have it?” “What do you like to do in bed?” You get the idea.

There are easier, safer ways to get all the information you want and he will give it to you willing WHEN you know how to ask the right questions and interpret his answers.

So how do you do that?

Imagine this: You’re with your guy and you simply say, “I really enjoy being with you.”

What he says, how he responds, is going to tell you a great deal about how he feels about you and what he wants. If he relaxes and smiles then things are going smoothly. If he gets defensive [look at his body language] then he’s telling you he isn’t looking for a commitment or something long term YET. He may change his mind but he’s not ready yet. He may never change his mind.

Just enjoy what you have for the moment and see how it unfolds.

How open is he with you about his feelings? That’s a sign of his maturity level and what you can expect long term.

Another thing: You only make his needs, wants and desires more important than yours when he makes your needs, wants and desires more important than his. Otherwise you’re going to get used. I don’t want to happen to you.

When he told you he has a problem and he has no desire to go to a doctor to get it fixed he just proved to you that he’s a boy pretending to be a man. A man addresses his problems and actively gets positive, healthy, constructive solutions that effectively fix the problem. He doesn’t make up excuses. Jim is giving you excuses, not reasons.

When he said, “I feel like a teenager again” you should have asked him what he meant rather than assuming anything because it turns out what he said and what he meant were two completely different things.

When you told him you have sexual needs his response [or lack of response, depending on how you want to look at it] was what it was then he just told you he doesn’t care about what you need, want and desire in a relationship. That should have ended things on your part right then and there.

So you’re at the point of realizing you’re wasting your time on a relationship that can’t give you what you want, need and desire in a positive, healthy, constructive way. How do you break it off and how to you do it using class, style and dignity without compromising your self respect or your integrity?

If you would like to try to remain friends then I would suggest you stop treating him like a romantic partner and start treating him like a friend. Treat him the way you used to before you started dating.

If you call him, stop. If you text him, stop. Let him do the calling and let him do the texting.

When he wants to get together for a “date” suggest you get together in the daytime rather than the evening. Nighttime is for romance. Daytime is for friends. If he says he’d rather get together in the evening then you tell him honestly you’re not enjoying the evening time you spend together. Notice you’re NOT putting him down. You’re just saying you don’t enjoy the evening times and you’d rather concentrate on getting together in the daytime. If he doesn’t want to do that then it ends the relationship altogether.

If you get together with him in the daytime then make sure you don’t respond romantically. It’s just two friends getting together. If he tries to kiss you romantically, rather than two friends who meet, just turn your cheek so he kisses your cheek rather than on the lips.

If you go somewhere where you spend money, like a coffee shop, etc. make sure you pay for your stuff. That’s what friends do when they get together. Sooner or later he’ll get the message after one get together.

If you’re bold then you could say, “Jim, this looks like false advertising.”

If you’ve decided you don’t want to stay friends with him then you simply tell him when he asks you out that you’d honestly rather just be friends rather than romantic partners. The key is you don’t put him down or blame him or anything like that because you just make yourself look bad. Don’t tell him it’s your fault, either, because it isn’t.

Then you just stop answering his calls and any other communication he tries to do with you.

You didn’t mention whether or not you run into each other socially. If you don’t then that’s the end of that. If you do then don’t avoid him when you see him. It just makes you look bad. Just interact with him the way you did when you were just friends. Let him get uncomfortable, not you.

The good thing here is you never got sexually involved so it makes it a lot easier. You should be disappointed it didn’t work out but not hurt. A long term relationship with Jim would have ended up being a babysitting job. You deserve better than that.

Another critically important thing I teach my students: When a relationship hasn’t worked out the way you want then do your research and write down why it didn’t work out. Keep detailed notes. What did you miss that you should have seen that would have prevented you from wasting time on Jim? This will protect you from having it happen in your next relationship.

Don’t let the good things in life rob you of the best things in life.


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