Empower Your Dating Life

Six months ago this woman dropped something off on my front porch and knocked on the door.

I went out and there was a small box with a note with my name on it and a phone number. I called the number and the woman that answered told me that she was one of my husband’s mistresses and that I was gonna find all the evidence in the flash drive.

At first I was skeptical and I even thought that it could be a bomb or something, but I decided to open it anyway and inside there was indeed a flash drive. I connected it to an old laptop that I no longer use and there were ton of pictures and videos of my husband with many different women.

Long story short: I called her back and we talked for like an hour and basically the reason that she decided to tell me was because she found out she wasn’t the only woman he was cheating on me with.

She said that she went through his phone while he was asleep and on his WhatsApp she found conversations that he’s been having with other women and also videos and pictures, so she sent everything to herself and confronted him but he then ditched her and told her that it was over.

In total there are at least 20 different women that he’s been cheating with.

I got tested several times for STD’s and everything else and thank God I’m clean, but I felt like a complete idiot since all the red flags were there and I ignored them and believed all his lies.

When I confronted him with the evidence he apologized, put on a show, cried and claimed that he was a sex addict and begged me to help him overcome his addiction.

I asked him to move out and he did but he’s been seeing a therapist and comes over regularly to take the kids or to see them. We have 3 young children age 10, 7 and 5 and they love him to death, and they don’t know why their father is no longer here and they keep asking me specially the oldest one.

Last Saturday it was my birthday and he gave me the most beautiful birthday I’ve ever had. He and our oldest daughter planned it all and it was awesome!

He also gave me a thousand dollars worth of gift cards for Walmart, and he keeps telling me that he’s willing to wait until I’m ready to take him back and that I’m the woman he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Since he left he keeps paying for almost everything in the house. The only thing I pay is my car, the insurance and the wifi and he pays the rest. To be honest I miss him so much but I don’t know if I can trust him.

Last month my friend set me up on a date with this handsome coworker of hers and he found out and the following day he was here asking me if we kissed or had a sex (we didn’t) and I said no, and he made me promise him that I didn’t.

He also said that he will die if I sleep with another man. Like why he thinks it was ok for him to do what he did but I don’t have the right to meet anyone? Not that I want to I just don’t understand why he thinks that way.

I just don’t know what to do. Please help me.

~H

Hi H,

There are several things you need to realize, understand and accept because it will make dealing with this tragic situation a little easier.

First: He’s not apologizing to you for what he did because he’s not sorry for what he did. Rather, he’s apologizing to you for getting caught. He also has no intention of stopping his behavior. He’ll just be more cautious and more careful in the future in covering his tracks. He is going to be, say and do whatever it takes to get back in your good graces. Then he will just resort back to his seeing other women. So don’t be fooled.

Second: None of this was your fault so don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up. If you beat yourself up then you’re fighting a battle you cannot win. You were victimized and blindsided by this, pure and simple.

Third: That there were 20 other women tells you this has been going on for years. And those 20 are only the ones he has pictures and videos of. If it was one woman, that’s one thing. But this is at least 20 other women. It’s just a matter of time before he gets an STD or gets one of them pregnant. Then what will he do? He doesn’t seem to care.

Fourth: No matter what he says or does you’ll never be able to trust him again because trust is like virginity: Once it’s gone then it’s gone for good.

Fifth: The only time you’ll know for certain he’s not with another woman is when he’s in the same room as you are.

Sixth: With the gift cards all he’s trying to do is buy you back. Don’t be fooled. You can’t buy trust or forgiveness with money. It takes a different coin.

Seventh: The only thing that’s really changed is now you know what he’s been doing. Your husband and wife relationship with him is over. It will never go back to the way it was.

Eighth: Right now you’re in survival mode. You’re not making enough money to support yourself and your children so you’re forced to deal with him for financial reasons. He also still has a legal right to see his children.

Ninth: Do NOT get rid of the evidence. You need to keep it in a very safe place like a safe deposit box he doesn’t have access to because if you choose to get a divorce then there isn’t a divorce lawyer that will take his case because he can’t possibly win. If the woman didn’t discover the photos and videos on his phone and give them to you then you’d have no proof. Then he would just have denied the whole thing.

Tenth: The only people that will take your husband’s side are the men and women who are doing exactly what he’s doing.

Eleventh: You can’t handle this alone anymore than when you break your leg you can handle it alone. So please don’t try. Too much is at stake here. You need expert help.

Why did he do it? It really doesn’t matter why because whatever he tells you it won’t be the truth. You need to deal with the behavior and the fact that he isn’t going to change until he wants to. You need to realize you have no control over changing him anymore than someone has control over stopping an alcoholic from drinking or a drug addict from taking drugs. He isn’t going to change until he’s good and ready to and if he changes it won’t be for you or the children. It will be because he’s run out of options and he has no other choice. You only have control over what you do and realize that whatever he tells you it’s a lie. Then you won’t be disappointed, blindsided, victimized or let down again.

There is no easy path out of this situation. There is going to be a lot of pain, anger, frustration, resentment and every other negative emotion you can think of on your part. You can’t suppress all that or it will destroy you.

You need to deal with all this and you need to find a positive, healthy, constructive way to do it. That’s why a support group is so critical because you’re in an emergency situation. You can’t afford to lose your mental, emotional, physical, spiritual or sexual health. You need them to survive and deal with this just as if your house burned down. Your children need you to have them so they can survive this, too. If you don’t then it will destroy you and your children and make you miserable for the rest of your life. You need to heal from this tragic situation. Then, with the help of your support group, you can make an intelligent decision as to what the best course of action is for you, your children and yes, for him.

When your children are old enough to understand what happened they’re going to take your side for the rest of their lives no matter what he says or does. They didn’t have this coming either. They have been victimized and blindsided, too. They really need to know you love them and are there for them no matter what. They need to know that none of this was their fault.

Once you realize he’s not going to change and be what you want (which is being loyal to you because he never was) then it makes it a little easier to deal with because you won’t have any false hopes he’s going to go back to who you thought he was before you found out. The reason I say “who you thought he was” is because based on the brutal fact he had sex with at least 20 other women proves he obviously wasn’t who you thought he was.

So what do you do?

First realize, understand and accept that there is no easy solution for this. It’s just like someone died in your family except it was your marriage and the illusions of who he really is that died.

Second, the relationship you had with him is over. Things will never go back the way you thought they were because they never were the way you thought they were. So don’t have any false hope.

Third, the only thing that’s changed is now you know what he’s been doing.

Fourth, you’re in survival mode just like if your house burned down. Except it wasn’t your house that burned to the ground, it was your marriage.

Fifth, you take this one day at a time. Sometimes you will only be able to take life one moment at a time. You need to put a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your stomach. You need to do the same for your children. Your life was just destroyed through no fault of your own but you still need to pick up the pieces and continue to live.

Sixth, you need a support group. You need to talk with people you can trust that you can be completely honest with, people who have your best interests at heart, people that aren’t going to blame you or try to make this look like it was your fault because clearly it wasn’t. Call the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255. They are always there. Explain your situation to them and ask them were you can find a support group online and a support group in your town that can help you deal with this. That’s what they’re there for. They will be very understanding and helpful.

Seventh, you lost all respect for him as a husband, as well you should have. But you’re in conflict with yourself because he has a lot of good qualities. For example, you said he’s an excellent father and your children love and adore him. He also seems to be a good provider financially. Your support group will help you deal with this.

You can rebuild your relationship with him if you want to. You’re still figuring that part out. If you choose to continue your relationship with him it will be a completely new relationship based on what you now know about him.

No matter what you do or who you do it with, it’s never wise to ignore red flags, whether it’s in your personal, romantic or professional life.

Don’t let the good things in life rob you of the best things.

Bryan Redfield

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