No Room for Extra Baggage on This Ride

Dear Bryan,

I have often heard it said that we periodically need to get rid of emotional “baggage”. That we often carry this over from one relationship to the next.

I agree with the concept and have even expressed it to others at one time or another. My question is, how does one go about ridding yourself of the baggage.

Where do you start and how do you make sure it’s gone?


Hi R,

Most emotional baggage begins with the conditional love our parents give us. We carry it through all of our relationships and take it to the grave unless we deal with it and resolve it.

In resolving emotional baggage, there are two major factors to contend with: 1) pain; 2) the belief you have no control over the baggage, that it controls you.

If you’re willing to deal with pain and take control of your life it’s just a matter of time before you’ve completely resolved the problem and can enjoy the benefits of unconditional love in a relationship.

No one resolves it by accident. It’s a painful journey each person must take in their own time at their own pace. It separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls.

People who have made this journey successfully can easily spot other people who have made it and they are naturally attracted to each other. They rarely get involved with someone for a serious relationship who hasn’t made the journey because they don’t want to ‘baby sit’ for someone who, for whatever reason, won’t deal with their past.

So how do you rid yourself of emotional baggage? I’ve yet to find a method of dealing with emotional baggage that doesn’t entail pain. But for those of us who have walked down that road before
(including me), we realize it’s the kind of pain you go through when you have a tooth pulled–yes, it hurts, but it is solving a problem, not creating one. And knowing that helps to deal with the pain because you know you’re getting better.

Because of lack of space I can’t give you a complete explanation but I can give you the blue print and a road map for taking the next steps.

Emotional baggage is connected to these five areas: 1) your level of self respect; 2) your self image; 3) your belief system; 4) your ability to deal with pain; and 5) whether you’re in ‘victim mode’ or not.

Not an easy task but definitely possible for someone who is truly fed up with letting their baggage rule their life.

Here’s what I suggest. First, identify the problem. Write it down on a piece of paper so you can look at it clearly and logically. What really happened? Why did that hurt you? Has this problem occurred in past relationships? How long has this problem been going on?

Second, if you sit and blame the other person for doing this to you, you will feel like a victim, learn nothing and be doomed to repeat it indefinitely. Rather, accept responsibility for what happened. Say, “I allowed you to do this to me and I won’t allow you to do that anymore.”

Will these changes happen overnight? No. There are no quick fixes for people who have been emotionally abused. You’ll be tested in every new relationship you enter and probably have to walk away from several relationships you’re in now. But it’s well worth it.

People with a healthy self respect refuse to be abused on any level so they simply walk away the moment someone tries to abuse them. They also refuse to abuse other people.

How do you know when the pain is gone? Simple: it doesn’t hurt anymore. Just like when you fall down and scrape your knee: how do you know when it’s healed? It doesn’t hurt anymore and you move on
a wiser person.

Use this basic blueprint and road map to do research in your local bookstore or library. The time you invest in resolving emotional baggage will make you and the person of your choice happy beyond
your wildest dreams.

Good luck,

~Bryan Redfield

Tired of losing the Dating Game? Bryan’s complete home study course, The Redfield System, teaches you all the skills you need to find, meet and date successfully. 

Do YOU have a Question you need to ask Bryan? Submit a Question HERE

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