Being Up Front Saves You From The Lows

Bryan, I have a problem and it’s breaking my heart.

I have been involved off and on (mainly on) with a wonderful man in Canada. I live in the U.S. Our online relationship has been wonderful and I recently moved a lot closer to him geographically (not FOR him, just a coincidence with my job).

Anyway, he never explicitly asked me if I had been married before, and I never volunteered the information. I planned on telling him someday when we met because I’d have rather told him in person.

Somehow he found out and thinks that I lied to him – I think it’s an error of omission. It’s been almost three weeks and we haven’t spoken more than 10 words to each other (we usually spend at least 4 hours a day together).

My heart is breaking because I hurt him, and also because I am afraid that our friendship and whatever other possibilities it held is ruined forever.

Will he ever come around and want to talk about this?

What can I do to fix this? I miss him terribly.

~H

Hi H,

There are several things to look at here: First, it was a mistake not to be up front with him in the beginning about your marital past if you’re looking for something long term.

Divorce is obviously an important area. If someone is not going to accept you for who you are, it’s better to find out in the beginning rather than let it go as long as you did. And your divorce is definitely a part of who you are.

Second, regardless of your evaluation of the situation, he believes he was lied to. In the back of his mind he’s probably asking himself, “What else hasn’t she told me?” And this question will be there forever.

Will he ever come around and want to talk about this? Maybe yes, maybe no. What can you do to fix this? There is only one thing you can do: Be totally honest with him and hope for the best. Tell him exactly what you told me, that you think it’s an error of omission, not a lie, and you had every intention of telling him when you met in person. Tell him you’re sorry you hurt him and you miss him terribly. And ask him how you can make it up to him.

Once you’ve done everything you can to fix it, if he doesn’t respond positively and give you another chance, all you can do is accept it and move on a wiser woman. If he decides to end the relationship I promise you will get over him. You were doing fine before he entered your life, you will do fine once he’s gone completely.

But please learn from this mistake and don’t make it again in the future. It’s much easier and kinder to be rejected by someone you hardly know than by someone you’ve invested a lot of emotional time and energy into.

Good luck and God Bless.

~Bryan Redfield

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