“Now the man I’m in love with just wants to be friends. What do I do?”
I had been involved with a man for over a year and a half.
Our relationship is was very deep and loving. We spent as much time together as we could and discussed marriage plans in the future. About 8 months into the relationship I began to feel walls building between us.
I would try to discuss this with him. He would sometimes admit that the walls were there, but would not help me to understand why or what was going on. I kept trying, hoping to understand. It became worse and eventually the relationship fell apart.
To this day I really have no idea what was wrong. I kept blaming myself but I realize that it probably had very little to do with me at all. We went our separate ways.
Now, after being apart for over 8 months with little to no contact, he comes back into my life and says he wants to be friends. That he misses my understanding and my love.
Well, at one time we had been very good friends as well as being in love. I miss it too. So, I agreed. But, he seems unwilling to let any of those walls down and to trust me. Therefore, I mistrust him as well.
From what you’ve told me, the problem is obviously not with you. It’s with him. Here’s why I say that: When you felt there were walls, and he admitted they were there, you honestly tried to resolve them and fix whatever he was uncomfortable about. So stop blaming yourself.
For whatever reason, he was (and is) unwilling to tell you the truth. The details don’t matter. All that matters is he won’t be honest with you. An educated guess is he met another woman, it didn’t work out, and now he wants certain “good” aspects of the relationship with you back, but not the commitments.
As a result of his not being honest with you about these walls and where he’s been these last eight months, you justifiably don’t trust him. Trust is like virginity: once it’s gone, it’s gone for good.
Once the trust factor is not there, another powerful part of your self image comes into play: your self respect. One of the most important Golden Rules I teach my students is, “Never compromise your self-respect for any reason at any time.” The man (or woman) does not exist who is worth compromising your self respect for. And no decent man or woman who truly cares about you would ever ask you to compromise your self-respect.
When someone is not honest with you, you stop trusting them. When you stop trusting them, you can’t respect them. When you can’t respect them, there is only one thing you should put between you and them: distance, lots of it.
Sadly, he’s also lost your friendship because one of the basic foundations of a friendship is trust, too. And if your friendship
isn’t based on trust, honesty and respect, what can it possibly be based on other than abuse?
If you value your self-respect (and I hope you do), your relationship with him is over, permanently.
In the future, the moment a man is not honest with you, and you’ve done everything you can to reassure him you want the truth (and can deal with it), you should take it as an early warning it won’t work out and walk away with your self respect and your dignity intact.
Good luck and God Bless.
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