Christian Dating The Simple Way

Is it okay to ask a Christian guy if he’s interested in me or wants to date? If it is please then tell me how to do it.

Here’s our background.

I’m a 47 year old single Christian woman. He’s a 50 year old divorced Christian man. He was married 14 years ago but is divorced and has dated since then.

We went out twice for lunch and chatted via texts.

Was supposed to meet last Sunday for a short walk but he has been busy with looking at open houses. He got a pre approved mortgage and it’s taking up a lot of his free time.

I’m just curious to know how I find out if he’s interested in more than friendship. Is it okay to ask him if he’s interested in me and wants to date? Is it too early to ask him? Or is it wiser to just wait and see what happens?

If it is okay to ask him please tell me how I should do that.

Thank you. ~S

Hi S,

Thank you for your question.

Can you ask if he wants to date? Yes, you can but there is a much safer, less threatening and more effective way to do it.

Let me explain.

It isn’t just finding out if he wants to take your relationship to the next level by adding romance to it. It’s doing it with class, style and dignity without compromising your self respect or your integrity.

You want him to know you’re a quality woman looking for an honest relationship with a quality man that could lead to something serious if everything works out. As an intelligent woman you want him to know you have high moral standards, too.

Here’s how you do that.

Ask him what he likes to do in his spare time. Find something he enjoys doing that you enjoy doing. That’s the key: that you both enjoy doing it so you’ll both have fun. Then just find that activity in your area.

Let’s say, for the sake of example, you both like museums. When you talk with him again say, “I found this museum I think we’d both enjoy. Maybe we could go there sometime.” And see what he says.

The wonderful thing about handling the situation this way is you’re not technically asking him out so he can’t technically reject you.

His response will give you all the answers you want, need and desire about whether or not you can take your relationship with him to the next level, which is adding romance to it.

The important thing is whatever activity you choose make absolutely certain you do it in the daytime, not nighttime. Why? Because daytime is less threatening and it gives you a low key way to get to know each other.

Don’t let the good things in life rob you of the best things in life.

~Bryan Redfield

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Drinking or Marital Death? Your Choice

I love my husband but he says he can’t stop drinking and he doesn’t want to. How can I help him? He’s not abusive. I just don’t want him to hurt himself. ~G

Hi G,

I was a bartender in Hollywood for 14 years. During that time I served non drinkers, light drinkers, heavy drinkers and flat out alcoholics.

Over the years I talked with hard core alcoholics who became non drinkers. I asked them how they got sober. They all had the same answer: “I achieved sobriety one day at a time.” A lot of them said they went to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous.)

I asked them, “How do you get an alcoholic to stop drinking?” Because I was their bartender and their friend they gladly told me the truth.

They all said, “Bryan, there is only one way to get someone to stop drinking and that’s when they want to. If they don’t want to stop drinking then there is nothing you can do to help them except walk away. Because if you stick around all they will do is just drag you down with them.”

These men and women who were hard core alcoholics and achieved sobriety all lost their jobs, their families, their husbands and wives, all their friends, all their money and their self respect before they got sober.

They all got their knowledge and PhDs from the greatest university in the world, The School Of Hard Knocks. I will match that expertise against any expert you can find and I will always win because nothing beats real world, first hand personal experience.

They said, “You can take alcohol away from someone. You can force them to go to rehab. You can lock them in a room. But as soon as they get out they’re going to go right back to drinking and there’s nothing you can say or do about it. They will keep on drinking until they have run out of money, as well as family and friends they can abuse and con out of another drink. If you’re involved with an alcoholic the only person you can save from this situation is yourself. The sooner you accept that the easier your life will be.”

I know this isn’t the answer you wanted but it is the truth straight from the mouths of the greatest and most qualified experts on sobriety that ever lived: The men and women who were once alcoholics and gained their sobriety one day at a time.

The exact same advice holds true for drug addicts because over the years I talked with them, too, and they said the exact same thing the alcoholics who gained sobriety said.

You said your husband has no desire to stop drinking. That leaves you with a very difficult choice to make: Walk away from this marriage and save yourself or go down with him. I’m sorry. I wish it was easier but it isn’t.

Don’t let the good things in life rob you of the best things in life.

Bryan Redfield

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The Dating Game is Changing

Why can’t I ever get a second date with the same guy? I’m doing great at getting a first date, but I’ve been getting ghosted within a few days after every time. What am I doing wrong? ~K

Hi K,

I’ve heard women ask me this question enough times now that I thought it was time to answer it for the group.  Why is it that you had a great date with a man and then after it was over, he ghosted you? There’s one simple reason: He lost interest.

Why did he lose interest? Get yourself a notebook and write these questions down, you’ll want to think about them later.

What did/does he want that he didn’t get or doesn’t think he’s going to get from you?  It’s all about communication!

What did you do on the first date?  What are you supposed to do on the first date?  What is the function of the first date?  It all depends on what you want from him and the potential relationship.  What did you talk about?  What did you do?  Where did you go? If you think the purpose of the first date is to go out and have fun then you completely misunderstand the function of the First Date and every date thereafter.

While you’re dating, I highly recommend you keep a journal and write all this down so you can look at everything that happened on every one of your dates and go over it.  You’ll be able to look at what happened, answer these questions, and fix your mistakes so that they don’t happen again.

You need to focus on what the problem was that happened on the first date and what is causing the problem to reoccur.  If you’re looking for a relationship and he’s looking for a sex partner or a friend with benefits, you should be able to figure that out easily on the first date.

You need to understand what truly happened on your first date(s): You weren’t going out to have fun.  You were going out to see if you’re compatible and to see if you can have a relationship on some level with this person that will make you both happy. 

Here’s how to get a second date with a guy you’re interested in:

Traditional dating dictates that the man provides the money, the girl provides the sex.  That’s where everything goes wrong!  You both get dressed up, go out to eat at a nice restaurant, have some nice wine to loosen up, take a walk or maybe make out in the car a bit on the way home, and then you either have sex or you don’t.  Did you tease him? Did he misunderstand you? How do you know what went wrong? This is why “traditional dating” doesn’t work.  And that’s not what I’m going to teach you.  When should a woman have sex with a man? There’s only one time: When she wants to.

Fixing these problems is easy: Learn what to do to build a truly loving, long-lasting relationship that will make you both happy with my online course How to Get Him to Commit to You Using Class, Style, and Dignity.

I wish you the best of luck next time!

~Bryan

Do you need Relationship advice? Submit a Question HERE

From Cuddle Bug to Cuddle Loner

Why doesn’t my boyfriend like to cuddle anymore?  We used to cuddle frequently but we have lived together for eight years now and he just never seems interested anymore.  Can I do something to make him want to cuddle me again?

~L

Hi L,

There are three kinds of cuddling:

  1. After sex
  2. Cuddling as foreplay
  3. Non-sexual

A few questions for you: How much did you cuddle before? How much, if any, do you cuddle now?  If the two of you never have any non-sexual cuddling, then you’re nothing more than live-in friends with benefits. 

Do you ever get together just to hang out without sex? If you don’t, then everything you do before and after you spend time together is just the game he must play until he gets to have sex with you and he’s only playing the game to get laid.  It sounds to me like he has lost interest in you.  Why has he lost interest?  Can it be fixed?

The unfortunate answer is no.  While I can’t give you a concrete answer as to why he has lost interest in you without greater personal details, I can say that if he has no interest in cuddling in the way you say, he has lost interest in you as a partner and you are no longer (if you ever were) emotionally compatible.

I wish you the best of luck.  As a personal suggestion, my online course How To Get Him To Commit To You would likely be of help to you if you are willing to accept the truth of your situation and learn how you can fix it.

~Bryan

Do YOU need advice? Submit a Question here.

Hot and Heavy or Hopeless?

I connected with a friend who I hadn’t seen for a few years. We did Reiki shares at a common friend’s home. This friend, Jim, is 13 years older, age 74. So we started doing things together. I feel as friends, but soon he was trying to kiss me. I didn’t feel a similar interest, but eventually relented, thinking maybe the relationship would be worth a try.

He is a sensitive, nice guy. The problem…. the first time things got hot and heavy he says; I feel like a teenager again. False assumption on my part, thinking it meant that his male parts were working properly. He wants to kiss, get touchy feely and have a hard on, but nothing more. I explained that it doesn’t feel right for me as I have a healthy active libido and want sex from a partner. He is not interested in seeing a doctor to figure things out. A nice guy, but missing the romance and the sex. It doesn’t feel like a true romance. I feel like I am dating a dirty old man. I have wanted to break things off with him for several weeks. Any advice on how I can do this in a thoughtful and kind way.

~G

Hi G,

Thank you for your question.

Let’s start with a few “beginning a new relationship” basics first to save you time in your next relationship.

I teach my students that when you first meet a guy who is a potential dating prospect or romantic interest you want to get the answers to these four questions as quickly as possible:

1) Is this a good prospect by YOUR definition? At this point it doesn’t matter what he wants. What matters is what you want.

2) How long will it last?

3) Does he want a serious relationship or does he just want to use me?

And your answers to those three questions will give you the answer to the fourth question which is:

4) Do I want to see him again?

You will spend your entire relationship with him answering those questions. If you get a negative answer to any one of those questions at any time in your relationship with him then why would you continue to look at him as a dating prospect or a potential romantic relationship? It will only lead to your frustration. Not only is it a waste of time, the tragic thing is it’s time you could have put into finding or establishing a positive, healthy, constructive relationship with a guy you DO get along with.

While you are doing your research and collecting your data on him at the beginning of your relationship uppermost in your mind you should also be asking yourself this question: Am I dealing with a man or a boy pretending to be a man? If you automatically assume you are dealing with a man instead of a boy pretending to be a man then you will be sorely disappointed and extremely frustrated. It sounds like that’s what happened in this relationship.

If you seem to be getting along then at that point it boils down to another four questions:

1) CAN he give me what I want, need and desire in a positive, healthy, constructive romantic relationship?

Maybe he can, maybe he can’t.

2) WILL he give it to me?

Just because he can doesn’t mean he will. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.

3) HOW MUCH of it can he give me?

4) What do I have to go through to get it?

A basic Golden Rule I teach all my students is: Never compromise your self respect for any reason at any time. If you do then you’re just allowing yourself to get used and you’ll feel terrible. I’ve yet to see an exception to that Golden Rule.

When you are dealing with a new relationship you have to go by this Golden Rule: Assume nothing. You assumed he was looking for something more lasting. What people say, what they mean and what they do can well be three completely different things. That appears to be the case with Jim. That’s why you assume nothing.

If he’s looking for something romantic you have every right to ask him NICELY what he’s looking for. Too many women at this point grill the poor guy and he shuts up. They aggressively ask, “Where is this relationship going??” “Where do you see us in 5, 10, 20 years??” And so on.

Look at it this way. What would you do, how would you feel and how would you react if that same guy started grilling you: “When are we going to start having sex?” “How often will we have it?” “What do you like to do in bed?” You get the idea.

There are easier, safer ways to get all the information you want and he will give it to you willing WHEN you know how to ask the right questions and interpret his answers.

So how do you do that?

Imagine this: You’re with your guy and you simply say, “I really enjoy being with you.”

What he says, how he responds, is going to tell you a great deal about how he feels about you and what he wants. If he relaxes and smiles then things are going smoothly. If he gets defensive [look at his body language] then he’s telling you he isn’t looking for a commitment or something long term YET. He may change his mind but he’s not ready yet. He may never change his mind.

Just enjoy what you have for the moment and see how it unfolds.

How open is he with you about his feelings? That’s a sign of his maturity level and what you can expect long term.

Another thing: You only make his needs, wants and desires more important than yours when he makes your needs, wants and desires more important than his. Otherwise you’re going to get used. I don’t want to happen to you.

When he told you he has a problem and he has no desire to go to a doctor to get it fixed he just proved to you that he’s a boy pretending to be a man. A man addresses his problems and actively gets positive, healthy, constructive solutions that effectively fix the problem. He doesn’t make up excuses. Jim is giving you excuses, not reasons.

When he said, “I feel like a teenager again” you should have asked him what he meant rather than assuming anything because it turns out what he said and what he meant were two completely different things.

When you told him you have sexual needs his response [or lack of response, depending on how you want to look at it] was what it was then he just told you he doesn’t care about what you need, want and desire in a relationship. That should have ended things on your part right then and there.

So you’re at the point of realizing you’re wasting your time on a relationship that can’t give you what you want, need and desire in a positive, healthy, constructive way. How do you break it off and how to you do it using class, style and dignity without compromising your self respect or your integrity?

If you would like to try to remain friends then I would suggest you stop treating him like a romantic partner and start treating him like a friend. Treat him the way you used to before you started dating.

If you call him, stop. If you text him, stop. Let him do the calling and let him do the texting.

When he wants to get together for a “date” suggest you get together in the daytime rather than the evening. Nighttime is for romance. Daytime is for friends. If he says he’d rather get together in the evening then you tell him honestly you’re not enjoying the evening time you spend together. Notice you’re NOT putting him down. You’re just saying you don’t enjoy the evening times and you’d rather concentrate on getting together in the daytime. If he doesn’t want to do that then it ends the relationship altogether.

If you get together with him in the daytime then make sure you don’t respond romantically. It’s just two friends getting together. If he tries to kiss you romantically, rather than two friends who meet, just turn your cheek so he kisses your cheek rather than on the lips.

If you go somewhere where you spend money, like a coffee shop, etc. make sure you pay for your stuff. That’s what friends do when they get together. Sooner or later he’ll get the message after one get together.

If you’re bold then you could say, “Jim, this looks like false advertising.”

If you’ve decided you don’t want to stay friends with him then you simply tell him when he asks you out that you’d honestly rather just be friends rather than romantic partners. The key is you don’t put him down or blame him or anything like that because you just make yourself look bad. Don’t tell him it’s your fault, either, because it isn’t.

Then you just stop answering his calls and any other communication he tries to do with you.

You didn’t mention whether or not you run into each other socially. If you don’t then that’s the end of that. If you do then don’t avoid him when you see him. It just makes you look bad. Just interact with him the way you did when you were just friends. Let him get uncomfortable, not you.

The good thing here is you never got sexually involved so it makes it a lot easier. You should be disappointed it didn’t work out but not hurt. A long term relationship with Jim would have ended up being a babysitting job. You deserve better than that.

Another critically important thing I teach my students: When a relationship hasn’t worked out the way you want then do your research and write down why it didn’t work out. Keep detailed notes. What did you miss that you should have seen that would have prevented you from wasting time on Jim? This will protect you from having it happen in your next relationship.

Don’t let the good things in life rob you of the best things in life.

Bryan

Check out my Course at GetHimToCommitYou.com

Are you in need of advice? Submit a Question Here

Introduction

Welcome! This blog is the home of Bryan Redfield, your new favorite advice columnist for all things relating to human relationships and interactions.

Have you got problems in your relationship? Are you afraid you’re seeing signs that your partner isn’t the right one for you? Are you worried about the stability of your marriage? Do you feel “stuck” being single and can’t figure out a way to meet someone you might fall in love with?

All these questions and more will be answered in thoughtful detail! If you would like a question answered, please Submit a Question here and I’ll write a personalized response on the blog. Don’t worry, your name and details will be confidential!

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