Cheating Husband: Expert Edition

Six months ago this woman dropped something off on my front porch and knocked on the door.

I went out and there was a small box with a note with my name on it and a phone number. I called the number and the woman that answered told me that she was one of my husband’s mistresses and that I was gonna find all the evidence in the flash drive.

At first I was skeptical and I even thought that it could be a bomb or something, but I decided to open it anyway and inside there was indeed a flash drive. I connected it to an old laptop that I no longer use and there were ton of pictures and videos of my husband with many different women.

Long story short: I called her back and we talked for like an hour and basically the reason that she decided to tell me was because she found out she wasn’t the only woman he was cheating on me with.

She said that she went through his phone while he was asleep and on his WhatsApp she found conversations that he’s been having with other women and also videos and pictures, so she sent everything to herself and confronted him but he then ditched her and told her that it was over.

In total there are at least 20 different women that he’s been cheating with.

I got tested several times for STD’s and everything else and thank God I’m clean, but I felt like a complete idiot since all the red flags were there and I ignored them and believed all his lies.

When I confronted him with the evidence he apologized, put on a show, cried and claimed that he was a sex addict and begged me to help him overcome his addiction.

I asked him to move out and he did but he’s been seeing a therapist and comes over regularly to take the kids or to see them. We have 3 young children age 10, 7 and 5 and they love him to death, and they don’t know why their father is no longer here and they keep asking me specially the oldest one.

Last Saturday it was my birthday and he gave me the most beautiful birthday I’ve ever had. He and our oldest daughter planned it all and it was awesome!

He also gave me a thousand dollars worth of gift cards for Walmart, and he keeps telling me that he’s willing to wait until I’m ready to take him back and that I’m the woman he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Since he left he keeps paying for almost everything in the house. The only thing I pay is my car, the insurance and the wifi and he pays the rest. To be honest I miss him so much but I don’t know if I can trust him.

Last month my friend set me up on a date with this handsome coworker of hers and he found out and the following day he was here asking me if we kissed or had a sex (we didn’t) and I said no, and he made me promise him that I didn’t.

He also said that he will die if I sleep with another man. Like why he thinks it was ok for him to do what he did but I don’t have the right to meet anyone? Not that I want to I just don’t understand why he thinks that way.

I just don’t know what to do. Please help me.

~H

Hi H,

There are several things you need to realize, understand and accept because it will make dealing with this tragic situation a little easier.

First: He’s not apologizing to you for what he did because he’s not sorry for what he did. Rather, he’s apologizing to you for getting caught. He also has no intention of stopping his behavior. He’ll just be more cautious and more careful in the future in covering his tracks. He is going to be, say and do whatever it takes to get back in your good graces. Then he will just resort back to his seeing other women. So don’t be fooled.

Second: None of this was your fault so don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up. If you beat yourself up then you’re fighting a battle you cannot win. You were victimized and blindsided by this, pure and simple.

Third: That there were 20 other women tells you this has been going on for years. And those 20 are only the ones he has pictures and videos of. If it was one woman, that’s one thing. But this is at least 20 other women. It’s just a matter of time before he gets an STD or gets one of them pregnant. Then what will he do? He doesn’t seem to care.

Fourth: No matter what he says or does you’ll never be able to trust him again because trust is like virginity: Once it’s gone then it’s gone for good.

Fifth: The only time you’ll know for certain he’s not with another woman is when he’s in the same room as you are.

Sixth: With the gift cards all he’s trying to do is buy you back. Don’t be fooled. You can’t buy trust or forgiveness with money. It takes a different coin.

Seventh: The only thing that’s really changed is now you know what he’s been doing. Your husband and wife relationship with him is over. It will never go back to the way it was.

Eighth: Right now you’re in survival mode. You’re not making enough money to support yourself and your children so you’re forced to deal with him for financial reasons. He also still has a legal right to see his children.

Ninth: Do NOT get rid of the evidence. You need to keep it in a very safe place like a safe deposit box he doesn’t have access to because if you choose to get a divorce then there isn’t a divorce lawyer that will take his case because he can’t possibly win. If the woman didn’t discover the photos and videos on his phone and give them to you then you’d have no proof. Then he would just have denied the whole thing.

Tenth: The only people that will take your husband’s side are the men and women who are doing exactly what he’s doing.

Eleventh: You can’t handle this alone anymore than when you break your leg you can handle it alone. So please don’t try. Too much is at stake here. You need expert help.

Why did he do it? It really doesn’t matter why because whatever he tells you it won’t be the truth. You need to deal with the behavior and the fact that he isn’t going to change until he wants to. You need to realize you have no control over changing him anymore than someone has control over stopping an alcoholic from drinking or a drug addict from taking drugs. He isn’t going to change until he’s good and ready to and if he changes it won’t be for you or the children. It will be because he’s run out of options and he has no other choice. You only have control over what you do and realize that whatever he tells you it’s a lie. Then you won’t be disappointed, blindsided, victimized or let down again.

There is no easy path out of this situation. There is going to be a lot of pain, anger, frustration, resentment and every other negative emotion you can think of on your part. You can’t suppress all that or it will destroy you.

You need to deal with all this and you need to find a positive, healthy, constructive way to do it. That’s why a support group is so critical because you’re in an emergency situation. You can’t afford to lose your mental, emotional, physical, spiritual or sexual health. You need them to survive and deal with this just as if your house burned down. Your children need you to have them so they can survive this, too. If you don’t then it will destroy you and your children and make you miserable for the rest of your life. You need to heal from this tragic situation. Then, with the help of your support group, you can make an intelligent decision as to what the best course of action is for you, your children and yes, for him.

When your children are old enough to understand what happened they’re going to take your side for the rest of their lives no matter what he says or does. They didn’t have this coming either. They have been victimized and blindsided, too. They really need to know you love them and are there for them no matter what. They need to know that none of this was their fault.

Once you realize he’s not going to change and be what you want (which is being loyal to you because he never was) then it makes it a little easier to deal with because you won’t have any false hopes he’s going to go back to who you thought he was before you found out. The reason I say “who you thought he was” is because based on the brutal fact he had sex with at least 20 other women proves he obviously wasn’t who you thought he was.

So what do you do?

First realize, understand and accept that there is no easy solution for this. It’s just like someone died in your family except it was your marriage and the illusions of who he really is that died.

Second, the relationship you had with him is over. Things will never go back the way you thought they were because they never were the way you thought they were. So don’t have any false hope.

Third, the only thing that’s changed is now you know what he’s been doing.

Fourth, you’re in survival mode just like if your house burned down. Except it wasn’t your house that burned to the ground, it was your marriage.

Fifth, you take this one day at a time. Sometimes you will only be able to take life one moment at a time. You need to put a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in your stomach. You need to do the same for your children. Your life was just destroyed through no fault of your own but you still need to pick up the pieces and continue to live.

Sixth, you need a support group. You need to talk with people you can trust that you can be completely honest with, people who have your best interests at heart, people that aren’t going to blame you or try to make this look like it was your fault because clearly it wasn’t. Call the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255. They are always there. Explain your situation to them and ask them were you can find a support group online and a support group in your town that can help you deal with this. That’s what they’re there for. They will be very understanding and helpful.

Seventh, you lost all respect for him as a husband, as well you should have. But you’re in conflict with yourself because he has a lot of good qualities. For example, you said he’s an excellent father and your children love and adore him. He also seems to be a good provider financially. Your support group will help you deal with this.

You can rebuild your relationship with him if you want to. You’re still figuring that part out. If you choose to continue your relationship with him it will be a completely new relationship based on what you now know about him.

No matter what you do or who you do it with, it’s never wise to ignore red flags, whether it’s in your personal, romantic or professional life.

Don’t let the good things in life rob you of the best things.

Bryan Redfield

Do YOU have a Relationship Question you need answers to? Submit A Question HERE.

Drinking or Marital Death? Your Choice

I love my husband but he says he can’t stop drinking and he doesn’t want to. How can I help him? He’s not abusive. I just don’t want him to hurt himself. ~G

Hi G,

I was a bartender in Hollywood for 14 years. During that time I served non drinkers, light drinkers, heavy drinkers and flat out alcoholics.

Over the years I talked with hard core alcoholics who became non drinkers. I asked them how they got sober. They all had the same answer: “I achieved sobriety one day at a time.” A lot of them said they went to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous.)

I asked them, “How do you get an alcoholic to stop drinking?” Because I was their bartender and their friend they gladly told me the truth.

They all said, “Bryan, there is only one way to get someone to stop drinking and that’s when they want to. If they don’t want to stop drinking then there is nothing you can do to help them except walk away. Because if you stick around all they will do is just drag you down with them.”

These men and women who were hard core alcoholics and achieved sobriety all lost their jobs, their families, their husbands and wives, all their friends, all their money and their self respect before they got sober.

They all got their knowledge and PhDs from the greatest university in the world, The School Of Hard Knocks. I will match that expertise against any expert you can find and I will always win because nothing beats real world, first hand personal experience.

They said, “You can take alcohol away from someone. You can force them to go to rehab. You can lock them in a room. But as soon as they get out they’re going to go right back to drinking and there’s nothing you can say or do about it. They will keep on drinking until they have run out of money, as well as family and friends they can abuse and con out of another drink. If you’re involved with an alcoholic the only person you can save from this situation is yourself. The sooner you accept that the easier your life will be.”

I know this isn’t the answer you wanted but it is the truth straight from the mouths of the greatest and most qualified experts on sobriety that ever lived: The men and women who were once alcoholics and gained their sobriety one day at a time.

The exact same advice holds true for drug addicts because over the years I talked with them, too, and they said the exact same thing the alcoholics who gained sobriety said.

You said your husband has no desire to stop drinking. That leaves you with a very difficult choice to make: Walk away from this marriage and save yourself or go down with him. I’m sorry. I wish it was easier but it isn’t.

Don’t let the good things in life rob you of the best things in life.

Bryan Redfield

Do YOU have a Question you need answers for? Submit a Question HERE

From Cuddle Bug to Cuddle Loner

Why doesn’t my boyfriend like to cuddle anymore?  We used to cuddle frequently but we have lived together for eight years now and he just never seems interested anymore.  Can I do something to make him want to cuddle me again?

~L

Hi L,

There are three kinds of cuddling:

  1. After sex
  2. Cuddling as foreplay
  3. Non-sexual

A few questions for you: How much did you cuddle before? How much, if any, do you cuddle now?  If the two of you never have any non-sexual cuddling, then you’re nothing more than live-in friends with benefits. 

Do you ever get together just to hang out without sex? If you don’t, then everything you do before and after you spend time together is just the game he must play until he gets to have sex with you and he’s only playing the game to get laid.  It sounds to me like he has lost interest in you.  Why has he lost interest?  Can it be fixed?

The unfortunate answer is no.  While I can’t give you a concrete answer as to why he has lost interest in you without greater personal details, I can say that if he has no interest in cuddling in the way you say, he has lost interest in you as a partner and you are no longer (if you ever were) emotionally compatible.

I wish you the best of luck.  As a personal suggestion, my online course How To Get Him To Commit To You would likely be of help to you if you are willing to accept the truth of your situation and learn how you can fix it.

~Bryan

Do YOU need advice? Submit a Question here.

Hot and Heavy or Hopeless?

I connected with a friend who I hadn’t seen for a few years. We did Reiki shares at a common friend’s home. This friend, Jim, is 13 years older, age 74. So we started doing things together. I feel as friends, but soon he was trying to kiss me. I didn’t feel a similar interest, but eventually relented, thinking maybe the relationship would be worth a try.

He is a sensitive, nice guy. The problem…. the first time things got hot and heavy he says; I feel like a teenager again. False assumption on my part, thinking it meant that his male parts were working properly. He wants to kiss, get touchy feely and have a hard on, but nothing more. I explained that it doesn’t feel right for me as I have a healthy active libido and want sex from a partner. He is not interested in seeing a doctor to figure things out. A nice guy, but missing the romance and the sex. It doesn’t feel like a true romance. I feel like I am dating a dirty old man. I have wanted to break things off with him for several weeks. Any advice on how I can do this in a thoughtful and kind way.

~G

Hi G,

Thank you for your question.

Let’s start with a few “beginning a new relationship” basics first to save you time in your next relationship.

I teach my students that when you first meet a guy who is a potential dating prospect or romantic interest you want to get the answers to these four questions as quickly as possible:

1) Is this a good prospect by YOUR definition? At this point it doesn’t matter what he wants. What matters is what you want.

2) How long will it last?

3) Does he want a serious relationship or does he just want to use me?

And your answers to those three questions will give you the answer to the fourth question which is:

4) Do I want to see him again?

You will spend your entire relationship with him answering those questions. If you get a negative answer to any one of those questions at any time in your relationship with him then why would you continue to look at him as a dating prospect or a potential romantic relationship? It will only lead to your frustration. Not only is it a waste of time, the tragic thing is it’s time you could have put into finding or establishing a positive, healthy, constructive relationship with a guy you DO get along with.

While you are doing your research and collecting your data on him at the beginning of your relationship uppermost in your mind you should also be asking yourself this question: Am I dealing with a man or a boy pretending to be a man? If you automatically assume you are dealing with a man instead of a boy pretending to be a man then you will be sorely disappointed and extremely frustrated. It sounds like that’s what happened in this relationship.

If you seem to be getting along then at that point it boils down to another four questions:

1) CAN he give me what I want, need and desire in a positive, healthy, constructive romantic relationship?

Maybe he can, maybe he can’t.

2) WILL he give it to me?

Just because he can doesn’t mean he will. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.

3) HOW MUCH of it can he give me?

4) What do I have to go through to get it?

A basic Golden Rule I teach all my students is: Never compromise your self respect for any reason at any time. If you do then you’re just allowing yourself to get used and you’ll feel terrible. I’ve yet to see an exception to that Golden Rule.

When you are dealing with a new relationship you have to go by this Golden Rule: Assume nothing. You assumed he was looking for something more lasting. What people say, what they mean and what they do can well be three completely different things. That appears to be the case with Jim. That’s why you assume nothing.

If he’s looking for something romantic you have every right to ask him NICELY what he’s looking for. Too many women at this point grill the poor guy and he shuts up. They aggressively ask, “Where is this relationship going??” “Where do you see us in 5, 10, 20 years??” And so on.

Look at it this way. What would you do, how would you feel and how would you react if that same guy started grilling you: “When are we going to start having sex?” “How often will we have it?” “What do you like to do in bed?” You get the idea.

There are easier, safer ways to get all the information you want and he will give it to you willing WHEN you know how to ask the right questions and interpret his answers.

So how do you do that?

Imagine this: You’re with your guy and you simply say, “I really enjoy being with you.”

What he says, how he responds, is going to tell you a great deal about how he feels about you and what he wants. If he relaxes and smiles then things are going smoothly. If he gets defensive [look at his body language] then he’s telling you he isn’t looking for a commitment or something long term YET. He may change his mind but he’s not ready yet. He may never change his mind.

Just enjoy what you have for the moment and see how it unfolds.

How open is he with you about his feelings? That’s a sign of his maturity level and what you can expect long term.

Another thing: You only make his needs, wants and desires more important than yours when he makes your needs, wants and desires more important than his. Otherwise you’re going to get used. I don’t want to happen to you.

When he told you he has a problem and he has no desire to go to a doctor to get it fixed he just proved to you that he’s a boy pretending to be a man. A man addresses his problems and actively gets positive, healthy, constructive solutions that effectively fix the problem. He doesn’t make up excuses. Jim is giving you excuses, not reasons.

When he said, “I feel like a teenager again” you should have asked him what he meant rather than assuming anything because it turns out what he said and what he meant were two completely different things.

When you told him you have sexual needs his response [or lack of response, depending on how you want to look at it] was what it was then he just told you he doesn’t care about what you need, want and desire in a relationship. That should have ended things on your part right then and there.

So you’re at the point of realizing you’re wasting your time on a relationship that can’t give you what you want, need and desire in a positive, healthy, constructive way. How do you break it off and how to you do it using class, style and dignity without compromising your self respect or your integrity?

If you would like to try to remain friends then I would suggest you stop treating him like a romantic partner and start treating him like a friend. Treat him the way you used to before you started dating.

If you call him, stop. If you text him, stop. Let him do the calling and let him do the texting.

When he wants to get together for a “date” suggest you get together in the daytime rather than the evening. Nighttime is for romance. Daytime is for friends. If he says he’d rather get together in the evening then you tell him honestly you’re not enjoying the evening time you spend together. Notice you’re NOT putting him down. You’re just saying you don’t enjoy the evening times and you’d rather concentrate on getting together in the daytime. If he doesn’t want to do that then it ends the relationship altogether.

If you get together with him in the daytime then make sure you don’t respond romantically. It’s just two friends getting together. If he tries to kiss you romantically, rather than two friends who meet, just turn your cheek so he kisses your cheek rather than on the lips.

If you go somewhere where you spend money, like a coffee shop, etc. make sure you pay for your stuff. That’s what friends do when they get together. Sooner or later he’ll get the message after one get together.

If you’re bold then you could say, “Jim, this looks like false advertising.”

If you’ve decided you don’t want to stay friends with him then you simply tell him when he asks you out that you’d honestly rather just be friends rather than romantic partners. The key is you don’t put him down or blame him or anything like that because you just make yourself look bad. Don’t tell him it’s your fault, either, because it isn’t.

Then you just stop answering his calls and any other communication he tries to do with you.

You didn’t mention whether or not you run into each other socially. If you don’t then that’s the end of that. If you do then don’t avoid him when you see him. It just makes you look bad. Just interact with him the way you did when you were just friends. Let him get uncomfortable, not you.

The good thing here is you never got sexually involved so it makes it a lot easier. You should be disappointed it didn’t work out but not hurt. A long term relationship with Jim would have ended up being a babysitting job. You deserve better than that.

Another critically important thing I teach my students: When a relationship hasn’t worked out the way you want then do your research and write down why it didn’t work out. Keep detailed notes. What did you miss that you should have seen that would have prevented you from wasting time on Jim? This will protect you from having it happen in your next relationship.

Don’t let the good things in life rob you of the best things in life.

Bryan

Check out my Course at GetHimToCommitYou.com

Are you in need of advice? Submit a Question Here

Holiday Humble Pie

This time of year is really stressful for my husband and myself – our relationship with his parents is so difficult because we feel that his mother criticizes everything. Any advice on how to stay chill and not let her ruin the wonderful season? Thank you!

~S

Hi S,

Thank you for your question.
You are making memories with your husband that will last the rest of your lives. Let’s make them as fun, pleasant and enjoyable as we can.

When families get together for the holidays most of them regress to the most childish levels possible. Parent’s behavior tends to regress to the level of when you were a five year old child and they try to correct and discipline everything you say and do.

In order to deal with this situation effectively there are three critical things you need to realize, understand and accept: 1) You are not going to change them or their behavior so don’t try. 2) You can’t take any of this personally. 3) You can’t take any of it seriously.

Those three things are the Golden Keys on how to handle the situation in a positive, healthy, constructive, stress free way.

Here’s how you do that: In order to make most people happy all you have to do is agree with them. No one can argue or fight with someone that agrees with them.

So no matter what she says, no matter how negative it is, all you have to do is agree with her.

When you realize, understand and accept that her negativity doesn’t mean anything it puts you back in control.

Look at it like you’re pacifying a child. You and your husband can make a game out of it called: Who can be the most negative? Whatever she says you say, “Oh, it’s much worse than that….” and be as negative as you possibly can be.

Remember, it’s only a game.

When you realize, understand and accept that it’s only a game and it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong then it takes all the pressure off of both your husband and you. Just don’t get sarcastic. Sound sincere. Realize her negativity is not from something you’ve said or done and don’t take it personally. This is the way she was before you and your husband were born and she’ll take it with her to the grave.

Pretend you’re dealing with a spoiled, pampered child. How would you treat her? Also remember what she says is no reflection of you. It really doesn’t matter what she says or what she thinks. You’re just trying to keep the peace in a non confrontational way.

And remember: You don’t have to live with her all day. Her husband does. [And he’s lived with it since the day they met… That poor guy…]

Happy Holidays,

Bryan

GetHimToCommitToYou.com

Are you in need of advice? Submit a Question Here

Sound Like a Lamb, But Be a Lioness

Question:

How do I get people to listen to me without being a B? Not like command, just LISTEN. I have a soft voice so I think that has something to do with it. I get talked over a lot and it’s very annoying.

~J

Hi J,


Thank you for contacting me. You didn’t mention whether you wanted people to listen to you in your romantic, personal, professional or social relationships so let’s cover all four. It’s perfectly okay to have a quiet voice. A quiet voice and being shy usually go hand in hand because they’re so closely linked. If you’re not shy, that’s okay, because this information will apply to you either way.

If it’s a romantic relationship, and you haven’t had an argument, then you’re involved with the wrong man.

If it’s a personal relationship then they aren’t your friends.

If it’s a professional relationship, connected to your job or your business, and they don’t listen it’s for one of two reasons: 1) They don’t feel or believe what you’re saying is important. 2) They’re ignoring you. If they’re ignoring you then why waste your time trying to communicate with them?

If it’s your social relationships then you’re hanging out with the wrong crowd.

There could be many reasons or excuses people will give you as to why they don’t listen to you but the bottom line is they don’t believe what you are saying is important to them. Let me give you an example: If they were dying and you knew how to keep them alive I guarantee you could whisper and you would have their undivided attention. They would tell anyone who tried to interrupt to shut up and be quiet. So one question to ask yourself is: “Why do they consider what I’m saying to be unimportant?”

You can analyze it all you want and probably never know so let’s get to the real root of the problem and how to fix it.

The real root of the problem is for some reason you don’t believe you deserve to be listened to and treated with respect. This is all connected to your belief system and your self image.

So the first thing for you to do is realize the problem is connected to belief system and your self image, not them. Realizing that takes you out of “victim mode” and puts you back in control. And we both know: A woman’s place is in control. When you are back in control then you can do something constructive about it.

How, exactly, do you do that?

Or more precisely, how do you fix all four of those areas in your life [romantic, personal, professional and social] and how do you do it in a simple, effective, positive, healthy, constructive, stress free way?

I suggest you write out this sign and put it on your bedroom wall so it’s the first thing you see when you wake up and the last thing you see before you go to bed. This way it will sink into your subconscious mind effortlessly. It will change your self image and your belief system in a positive, healthy, constructive, stress free way. It’s simple and it’s very effective. I know it works because I’ve used this technique for years.

Here’s the sign:

“I only attract positive, healthy, constructive people into my life who like me, respect me and eagerly listen to everything I have to say.”

I would also like to suggest a book that had a profound effect on my life. It’s Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. It is a classic that is just as relevant today as it was when it was first written in 1960. I’ve read it many times and I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Please remember: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Don’t let the good things in life rob you of the best things.

Bryan Redfield

Creator of GetHimToCommitToYou.com

Are you in need of advice? Submit a Question here!

Introduction

Welcome! This blog is the home of Bryan Redfield, your new favorite advice columnist for all things relating to human relationships and interactions.

Have you got problems in your relationship? Are you afraid you’re seeing signs that your partner isn’t the right one for you? Are you worried about the stability of your marriage? Do you feel “stuck” being single and can’t figure out a way to meet someone you might fall in love with?

All these questions and more will be answered in thoughtful detail! If you would like a question answered, please Submit a Question here and I’ll write a personalized response on the blog. Don’t worry, your name and details will be confidential!

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